Beyond the Veil
by Lothlome
Summary: Post OoTP. Learning to live without Lily and James is one thing, trying to live without Sirius is quite another, and Remus doesn't think he can take it.RLSB.SLASH.Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe and its characters belong solely to J.K. Rowling and Co. **

Remus Lupin sat in the empty kitchen of Grimmauld Place, staring down into the half-empty Firewhiskey bottle. Remus had never seen the house so deserted; there was only him, and Tonks sleeping in a room upstairs. A stifling silence had settled upon the house, a quiet so unsettling that Remus could hardly breathe. Then again, everything had fallen silent since Sirius had died. Remus closed his eyes as he took a large swig of Firewhiskey. He couldn'tbear to think back on that day. He pounded the heels of his hands into his eyes as images of the battle in the Death Room flashed before his eyes, but despite his efforts he could not tear his mind away from the painful memory.

He looked on helplessly as Sirius was pushed through the black, billowing veil by Bellatrix, his entire body disappearing through the curtain. Remus stood rooted to his spot, just staring at the black curtain swaying in the breeze. Its every movement seemed to mock him. This couldn't be real…this just couldn't be real. Sirius was not dead. Sirius Black did not die, especially not at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange. But the black curtain continued to flutter, and Sirius did not come back out. Remus knew he was gone, he could feel it in his stomach; he just couldn't dare to admit it to himself. He could vaguely hear Harry screaming somewhere near him, and this sound seemed to jar him back to reality. It was all he could do to hold out his arm and stop Harry from running in after his godfather. Remus held Harry firmly against his chest, struggling with all his might to keep him restrained. He was screaming wildly, fighting to break free, and Remus could feel cold tears dropping onto his arm.

"He's gone, Harry," Remus whispered, closing his eyes as the cold truth finally asserted itself. "He's gone…"

Remus pushed his hands through his hair wearily, and stared down at the wooden table. Even now that memory seemed almost too horrific to be real. Yet here he was, two months after Sirius' death. Remus never imagined life could be so unbearable. Losing James and Lily was one thing, but losing Sirius was quite another. The world seemed to have lost all its color now that Sirius was gone, and he couldn't remember the last time he had laughed at anything. And to make matters worse, he now had Tonks to worry about. She claimed to be in love with him, though he never really understood why. He had always been friendly towards her, but he had never expressed any real interest. Just a few hours before he had once again tried to convince her to forget about him, Tonks; however, was not easily persuaded.

"I'm too dangerous, Tonks," he said, turning away from the counter and heading toward the table. "I couldn't put you in a situation like that." He was trying to let her down gently, and using his "werewolf problem" seemed like the safest way to go. He couldn't tell her how he really felt. He couldn't tell her that he was incapable of love, even with the one person he had always cared about.

"I don't care," she said, positioning herself between him and the table. She clutched at his shirt, and stared up at him with tears of desperation in her eyes. "Please, Remus…"

"I can't love you, Tonks," he sighed, looking down at her seriously. She had to understand this.

"I can be anyone you want," she told him, her voice cracking as tears trickled down her face. "Anyone." Remus shook his head, and pulled himself out of her grasp.

"I can't," he repeated, and he turned his back on her.

Remus took another very long draught from the Firewhiskey bottle, and stood up. He didn't want to think about breaking other people's hearts, especially when his own was already shattered beyond repair. He looked around the kitchen…he hated this emptiness. He hated feeling hollow. There had to be a way to fill the void in his chest, even if it was just for a little while. He wasn't sure how much longer he could stand it.

Remus climbed the rickety old stairs, and headed down the hall to the room where Tonks was staying for the night. He opened the door quietly, and stepped inside. Tonks started at the sound, and sat up as Remus turned on the light. She looked up at him, her eyes still blood shot, and puffy from the crying she had done earlier.

"You said you could turn into anyone," he said, his voice quivering, though from fear or sadness he wasn't sure.

"Anyone," Tonks whispered, inclining her head. Remus closed his eyes.

"Sirius Black," he said softly, and he turned off the light.


End file.
